I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The USS B port
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.