Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?