ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
mechanics be like
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”