ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Meat Cute
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin