{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
i think both sides are to blame here
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”