Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Woke up against my better judgment again
He wanted to make sure😂
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
nyc:
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.