I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You Might Also Like
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.