getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.