[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Netflix: We have Less
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.