just witnessed a drug deal
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People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
when dads have a rap battle
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“No way.” -Jose
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.