If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
You Might Also Like
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
In space, no one can hear…
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
the rocks need my help
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?