Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
ouch
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.