Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The struggle is real.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me too door. Me too.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.