You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat