My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When they try to steal your moment.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS