What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Webb. James Webb.