Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
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So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Muppet Screams
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio