Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
adding to the discourse
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
peak technology
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*