Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
You Might Also Like
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.