Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Me irl
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’