When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
SCARY COSTUME
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone