when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office