SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Maths meets science
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.