I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH