cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.