ATMs should have breathalyzers
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.