Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage