this country is so goddamn polarized
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
You deplete me
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
they split up moments later
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Greeting humans vs their dogs