*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.