Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Cndnsd Mlk
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”