5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Whisper out to librarians!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”