“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option