I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
☺️
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Otters see a butterfly.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.