Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
Worth remembering.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.