Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.