Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?