Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
choose your gary
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.