My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.