Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then