I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.