judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Lucky old June.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.