Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
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Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The old gods are rising again.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Twitter remains undefeated
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.