5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
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Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.