Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?