I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.