me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
This squirrel eats better than I do
(by @ZachWeiner )
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.