My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames