wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
the noise i just made
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Meeeee too!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I WON A HAM TODAY