*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
WWE is French for “yes”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Chicken bread
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks