The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If a snake ate a cake
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?